Let's talk about suicide...(and why we don't)

Years ago I took a call on a suicide hotline from a distressed male caller who started by saying, "I need to talk to someone because I am having thoughts of organizing my closet by color!" This man's story led me down a path of understanding suicidal thoughts with new curiosity and next I'll share a few of the most important things I've learned.

 Whether you have ever had thoughts of not wanting to be alive and/or know somebody who has, you probably know that talking about suicide can be quite uncomfortable and even scary.  These thoughts often feel like the elephant nobody wants to acknowledge.  If you had answered crisis lines and sat with hundreds of people contemplating thoughts of ending their life over the years like me, you would also know that they can be an important turning point in someone's life and are even an opportunity to bridge to something better. Here are a few different ways to understand and handle suicidal thoughts:

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• Thoughts of suicide mean that we are Human. Most human beings have thoughts of not wanting to be alive at some point in their life because we all get overwhelmed. When these thoughts come, all it means is that we (humans) are struggling to cope and need other types of support to feel secure and creative once again. One way to understand how these thoughts occur is knowing a bit more about our lizard brain. When we are overwhelmed by what's happening inside and/or outside of us, this part of our brain activates through fear (and the other parts of our brain like our creativity and speech centers become less active, at least temporarily). It's called the "lizard brain" because we have it in common with most creatures on this planet and it's sole purpose is to help simplify our world so that we can make quick decisions about often complicated situations. Consider a lion and gazelle during a fight/flight response on the savanna. When a lion is chasing a gazelle, what do they have in common? Both animals do not need to think about how hot or cold it is, when they last saw their cousin, or other trivial matters when it comes to surviving. All they need is to quickly make decisions on if they should run left or right, go up or down, etc. When we are overwhelmed as human beings, the lizard brain turns on and tries to make simple equations (solution=life-me) out of complex moments (situation = my history+my actions+other history).
  
• Having suicidal thoughts means we need to talk about them. Since suicidal thoughts happen when we are overwhelmed, the worst thing one can do when they have suicidal thoughts is to NOT talk about them. It is a common myth that talking about suicidal thoughts makes us more likely to act on them. THIS IS NOT TRUE. However, it does depend on HOW we talk about, listen, and respond to them. Why? Because suicidal thoughts connect us to the emotion of shame, which is the feeling that we are not good enough or worthy. This is why crisis lines are available 24/7 because they want to be there the first moment one begins having these thoughts. When you bring these thoughts up with another human being, you prove to this part of your brain that these thoughts are not true ("I do matter because this person is listening to me"). People who are having thoughts of suicide sometimes don't know how to talk about these thoughts in a way that helps the person listening know that they are safe and not going to act on them. If you are trying to talk about these thoughts but don't know what to say, try saying in your own words the following:
  1. I have been overwhelmed.
  2. I am having thoughts of dying or ending my life.
  3. I know that I am not going to act on them because _________ and here is what I'm doing to become less overwhelmed.  For example, I am seeing a counselor, and have a plan to stay safe if I ever thought I was going to act on them. (Be ready to share your "safety" plan if they ask.) Or, I am doing these things to help my body feel better today.
  4. Pause and let the person listening take this in and find a way to respond or ask more questions. If your listener becomes nervous, repeat the above statements more simply and then say what you need like, I just need someone to listen to me for a few minutes.
  5. Understand that your listener might also be overwhelmed and might not be able to listen very well. If this is true, thank them for doing their best and find someone else to talk to (including consider calling your local crisis line, who have trained listeners there for this very moment!).

• Suicidal thoughts are not about dying. They are more about finding perspective. Have you ever walked to the edge of the cliff and imagined accidentally falling off or even being pushed off? Even if you realize that the moment you fall you would regret it, believe it or not your thought of falling off the cliff is one type of suicidal thought (also known as a passive suicidal thought). When we consider taking ourselves out of life in such an absolute way we can begin to see what might be there already that isn't working for us and maybe become more clear about what is missing in our life. The problem with suicidal thoughts begins when we start to believe suicide is the answer because of additional feelings of depression and/or shame. Suicide is ultimately an act of giving up on hope and creative problem-solving. We find hope when we realize that we are not alone and that there's always another step towards the life we want to live.
  

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• Suicidal thoughts are a RED flag that we've missed something. Remember the man who called the crisis line about organizing his closet? Here's the rest of the story. Since crisis lines unfortunately sometimes end up getting prank calls, I was uncertain if this was going to be a short call redirecting to some other kind of help. However, the urgency in his voice made me inquire further. The caller explained that years ago he had been a frequent user of the crisis line and over time had learned that suicidal thoughts were merely a flag telling him that something was wrong and he needed immediate attention to keep them from getting worse. He imagined that they were a red flag and over time started identifying other colors of flags. First he realized his orange flags (needing to isolate) then could identify his yellow flags (needing to take control of a situation, even if it wasn't appropriate), and so on. Eventually, he had learned that the first flag to tell him he was overwhelmed was the need to organize his closet by color. The caller proudly reported that he had not had these closet color-coding compulsions in over a year. By the time he had finished telling this story, he was much calmer and volunteered a couple of his next steps in coping/self-care and getting more support for himself in his community. We ended the call soon after this and I realized what a metaphor this color-coding closet need really was! Consider that as human beings we all must have flags and things we do that could tell us we are becoming overwhelmed and ask yourself what your flags might be! I've told this story many times since as an example of using flags to help us bridge back towards balance and self-support way before we get to the place of questioning if it would be better to be dead.
  

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In summary, suicidal thoughts mean we are human, we need to talk about them, we are overwhelmed and trying to get perspective, and we all have flags that could take us to edge of questioning our existence. For those of you who find yourself in the place of listening to someone with suicidal thoughts my advice is: be compassionate, never assume that suicidal thoughts are not serious, stay away from advising because of your own anxiety, and take care of yourself (e.g., I'm glad you're talking about these thoughts, I can listen for a few minutes and then want to know your plan on what you are doing to get help in addition to talking to me). Finally, don't hesitate to reach out for your own support (including calling the crisis line!) if you are unsure on how to support yourself and the person having these thoughts. 

For more information on suicide and ways to address and prevent it, please go to: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you want to find the number of your local crisis line, try dialing 211 (a free resource to get you connected to your community wherever you are!).

If you are willing to share below, what are your flags and what do you do to get help when they show up?