By Tracey Lady-Otsana Lana
Recently I received one of the most moving and lovely invites, of which I've not experienced in some time, from a beautiful feminine soul the other day. It was a call to build sisterhood, something I've never quite had the pleasure to fully experience. Now don't get me wrong, I've had a few female friends back in highschool, but I've not had female "best friends" since. I began asking myself questions about this and wondering why. Not but just a few days later, I had generated my answer.
My subconscious began to make me aware of a fear inside of me; a fear that was limiting my ability to fully connect to the women in my life. I realized that I was still being affected by the mother wound. I was still dealing with a wound, that inhibited my connection to the sacred feminine, and I was being reminded by the universe that I still had that work to do.
Gentle reminders can sometimes be uncomfortable, emotional and physical expressions. Body discomfort, anxiety, indigestion are coupled with the lack of trust and stability. These were physiological reactions, manifesting from my past experiences. My body and my mind, were subconsciously warning me away from perceived danger. Even when I've come to understand the actions, transgressions, and other undesirable circumstances I have been subjected to by other women, it would seem the effects were still present in my personal relationships, with the women who were now trying to connect with me. This wound was not simply restricted to my actual mother, but to all women who had exhibited/perpetuated/projected poor behaviors towards me in the past. It did not matter that I already understood why these things happened as they did, I still had the ingrained defensive behavioral patterns to undo/reverse.
I began to notice a cycle, and then a pattern emerged. A woman/femme would enter my life, we'd connect on some level or another, but over time I'd begin to slowly withdraw connection, until there was none. Several of these instances flash through my mind, some of them recent, some of them years ago. I'd try to make plans with them, but then on the nights of those plans, begin to feel uncomfortable within myself and bow out. Maybe even dealing with some emotional distress/anxiety, but never really tying it to the actual fact, that I was starting to develop a relationship with a woman.
I never perceived these individuals as bad/negative in my life, but I don't think I realized what was at play, until it hit me right in my heart at the request for developing a sister bond. What would have happened, if she had never asked me? Would I have ever been aware of what was keeping me from having deeper connections, with the ladies in my life, and with myself? My intuition was telling me she was being genuine, so why did I feel fear in my heart? It's because I was afraid, afraid of placing my trust in another woman, due to my own unaddressed wounds within. I am grateful to be able to know these things within myself, even though recognizing it means deep work within myself, to reconcile these patterns of disconnect.
When you ask these questions from deep inside yourself, remain present. If you're paying attention the universe will respond to your inquiry, the timing will be relative to you.
Are you listening yet?
This is a blog about understanding Relationships within and around us through reflections in our community. Posts here will cover how organizations, groups, and individual people are modeling returning to compassion.